Mario Sucks!

So I was sitting in my room, tortuting my Sims and listening to Bottomless Pit by Death Grips when an idea came to me - blessed am I by the muse of video game inspiration! So long I've been channeling my aggression through sanctimonious video game reviews, and since I blew out my vocal cords during a video review, I've been forced to "write" these reviews with my nimble and dexterous fingers instead of making it up on the spot. I have to say, writing for thirty minutes is much harder than shouting indignantly for thirty minutes. But I'm the Furious Computer Games Enthusiast, not some milquetoast copycat like Angry Joe or something! When I scream about video games, I'm original about it, damnit.

Unfortunately, being such a refreshingly original critic has the side effect of meaning I can't just say things that other people already have. And I can't say the wrong thing to my thousands of Youtube subscribers, or else I'll be doxxed. It's hard out there, balancing, "fairly criticising things" with "saying what people want to hear." So when the muse of my own greatness blesses myself with an inspiration, I bet my ass I'm going to be all over it.

You see, it's simple: there must be some kind of statute of limitations on how great something is. There's a statute of limitations on most things! That's why my rap sheet would be twice as long if I had been arrested five years ago instead of three for serial streaking. That's why I'm going to be ballsy and edgy (here meaning "Avant Garde," whatever that means,) and take on the subject that political correctness won't let us discuss!

Super Mario Bros., released in 1985, is garbage!

The only good thing about Super Mario Bros. is that it runs at a silky 60 FPS, a phrase which makes what's left of my weiner... well, it's doing something. I don't know how to describe it. I'd talk to my doctor, but I'm afraid of being put into quarantine. But the reason the game runs at 60 FPS is because the game's graphics suck cock! I don't understand this "limited color pallette," but it sounds to me like an excuse that those autistic retards who like Nintendo trot out to make people shut up.

Mario's ethnic identity as an italian man is yet more evidence of the Cultural Marxist infiltration of video games. No doubt character designer Shigeru Miyamoto was working under orders of Anita Czar-keesian to indoctrinate our kids into the italian mindset of eating pasta and having fascist leaders with funny names. Compounding this politically correct narrative is that the plot of the game revolves around rescuing the Princess Toadstool (who is later referred to as "Princess Peach" - do these hacks not understand continuity?!) from the evil King Koopa. Mario going of to rescue the Princess, a woman? Talk about a white knight!

Furthermore, King Koopa's troops are complete dicks. These fucking assholes only move in a straight line, some of them too stupid to change direction before marching off a precipice to his/her death (they/them pronouns are for cucks.) Plus, all it takes to kill them is for a turtle shell to hit them, or for Mario to stomp on them - and when they die, they just turn upside down and fall offscreen. Are those cucks at Nintendo so triggered by violence that they didn't bother animating detailed, grotesque death animations? Or were they inhibited by more "technical limitations?"

The music is horrible, too. It's this grating chiptune garbage that's barely even polyphonic. Who composed this? Toby Fox?

At this point in the review I got kind of stuck. There isn't a lot of room to analyze the game, and analyzing games from a social perspective is for autistic leftist cucks, so forget it. So I soujourned to my basement and had a punching session with my body pillow with Sean Murray printed on it. After an hour of ultraviolence and five or six loops of "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails, it was time to sit down and write some more. Unfortunately, venting my aggression on Sean Murray (I'm pretty sure it was aggression) didn't quite cut it, so I played some Brutal Doom to collect my thoughts. While I was blasting zombiemen, my mind began to wander... "What if someone made Brutal Super Mario Bros.?"

Unfortunately, such a thing doesn't exist, so Super Mario Bros. is basically worthless. It's a shame, too, I was really looking forward to filling up mushroom motherfuckers with lead.

My therapist says I have too much anger and need to relax. I told him to shut up. He has a degree in the soft science of psychology, which means he probably has a shitty job at Starbucks™ or something. Cuck.

what the fuck